In honor of football season coming to a close, Joe and I thought it’d be fun to combine several of our interests into one blog post — said interests include: greeting cards, NFL football, and being extremely judgmental of football teams because we may not be experts, but we do know “football vibes.” Note: This is an incomplete list, because frankly, some teams don’t need any more attention than they already get (ahem, Chiefs), and others are honestly just kind of boring.
I mean, what is there to say? What do you even do from here? You traded away so much draft capital for a quarterback who looks unmotivated at best and just plain uninspired at worst. But things can only go up from here, right?
Those fans chanted for Justin Fields in the last game of the season, and he helped lead your team to a 7-10 record that OC Luke Getsy tried to bumble by spamming screen-passes all day every Sunday. Don’t abandon him now. Please. (Alternatively, give him an opportunity to grow with someone else.)
How does a poorly-run ownership group use its time and money to repay the loyalty of its dedicated fan base and franchise-redeeming, fan- and player-adored coach? Burn it all to the ground. But hey, at least you’ve got all that seafood at Pike Place! (Update: Currently trying to find a balance between being not-at-all-mad about the new hire while still holding a grudge over Pete's forced exit.)
You are the most unhinged crowd. You come from the most unhinged city. And you deserved the NFL’s most unhinged quarterback in Josh Allen. You all belong together and we’re so happy you’ve found a home together.
You guys suffered a heartbreaking loss in the NFC Championship a couple weeks ago, but you didn't even make the playoffs last season. The season before that, you won three games. Total. That kind of progress only happens when you're a team that truly believes in and is completely devoted to itself, its players, and its coaches. I absolutely cannot wait to see what you accomplish next year (just tighten up that secondary, please!).
New York Jets
An entire offseason of Aaron Rodgers hype, only for the dream to fall apart in four plays. You Jets fans certainly have a lot to whine about — and now you can add your QB's conspiracy theories to the list. I'm sure getting himself sued for defamation isn't at all a way to distract from his insecurities around Jordan Love’s success in Green Bay, or an underlying fear that he won’t be any good at football coming off of his Achilles injury.
This team has all of the pieces for an explosive offense and just never quite reaches its potential. Maybe moving on from Arthur Smith is the answer. Regardless, this Outkast-inspired card can remind everyone in Atlanta about the good things that have come out of the city.
Green Bay Packers, Houston Texans, Los Angeles Rams
Seriously, it’s annoying how quickly y'all have turned things around. You were supposed to go through YEARS of rebuilding, not just a few weeks of stumbling through growing pains until your rookies inexplicably all exploded in the leader boards and history books. That's pretty cool for you, but to be honest, it doesn't really feel fair for the rest of the league.
Listen, it blows that your quarterback tore his ACL while playing the best football of his career. And it really does blow that you waited all this time for Aaron Rodgers to leave Green Bay so you could finally be top dogs in your division, only to find yourselves trailing behind the upstart Lions and, absurdly, also Green Bay again (see above). Sorry, I guess.
With all his various injuries, Joe Burrow (aka Grown Up Macauly Caulkin) never really stood a chance this year. (And while Jake Browning definitely exceeded expectations, he’s no Joe Cool.) Here’s hoping the 2024 season treats you all a lot better than 2023 did.
* The cutest hand-knit NFL team beanies by Shit That I Knit!
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